You Found Me Page 11
“Hmm. What would be a good payment?”
“Now don't get arrogant.” He smiled.
“Here's a good deal.”
“I'm all ears.”
“How about you go with me? If you go then that other seat won't be empty and thus the ticket will be paid for because it was used.” She rolled her eyes.
“You know what I mean.”
“Yup, but I won't take any other method of payment.” She rolled her eyes again in a playful manner.
“Guess I better let work know, right?”
“Might be a good idea.”
------
The parking lot was packed as predicted. Dad dropped them off and took the car home, leaving them standing before the arena. They would text him when it looked like it was almost over so he could be outside and waiting.
Rob didn't know what to do. This wasn't his first concert, but it was the first time he'd gone with his mother. They'd done a lot together, but never a concert. Rob had no idea how to act.
He'd seen many people in concert. Switchfoot, Nickelback, Relient K, Ryan Adams, and many others. He had a long list of artist he'd seen and wanted to see. The Eagles was about to be crossed off the list. People were crowding in the doors, pushing each other and trying to get in.
Rob and his Mom took their time, showing their tickets at the door when they made it in. The place was like a riot without purpose. Rob was shocked to find the Nickelback concert more civilized than an Eagles concert.
They passed the concession stand, but he and his Mom had already eaten. They had been unsure if the stand would be open or not. The merchandise stand was large, not to mention crowded as could be. They could barely see the shirts and sales people behind the small tables. They passed all of that and walked down the long hallway. His Mom stopped in the restroom and Rob waited. He could hear loud noises coming from the arena, but had yet to see what it was. He had a feeling it was going to be filled with people bumping into each other and screaming. When she finished they walked into the stadium.
The place was packed, but it was amazing. The lights were on full blast, showering down on all the people there. Many were sitting, anxiously awaiting the concert. People were seated all the way up one side of the arena, down into the floor area, and back up the other side. There was very little room and hardly any empty chairs, probably belonging to the ones who were outside buying things or still trying to get inside. Rob and his mother looked at their ticket stubs and around the arena to figure out where they belonged. They stopped one of the arena workers.
“Excuse me,” Rob asked. “Will you tell us where are seats are please?” The man, dressed in a bright yellow windbreaker jacket and blue pants, took the stubs from Rob and looked at them.
“Why yes. I know where your seats are. If you will kindly follow me.” Rob and his mother followed the man. He led them down the center aisle and stopped at the second row. “Here you are. Your seats are the 7th and 8th ones from here.” Just as Rob had thought. Second row, dead center.
Things were working out a little too well for Rob's tastes. No big fat guys in front of them. No one demanding that they paid money for those two seats and wanted him and his mother to give up their seats. Rob was starting to worry. They weren't even mugged coming in.
“You excited?” he asked.
“Oh yeah. I'm amazed at all these people though. I wasn't expecting to see so many here.”
“I know. I mean, I know they're a famous group and all, but I wasn't expecting this.”
“This is gonna be fun.”
“You sure you don't want anything from the food stand?” he asked.
“Yeah. Don't worry, honey. This has got me so excited I can barely think about eating.” She leaned over and gave him a hug, which he returned with a kiss on the cheek. “I love you, Robert.”
“I love you too.” The lights began to dim slowly as the crowd cheered. The opening act made their way onto the stage.
“You're not gonna drag me down are you?” she asked him. He looked at her in disbelief, then smiled.
“Shouldn't I be saying that to you?”
“Oh no, baby,” she said, smiling. “I am the party.”
Chapter Seventeen
April 24th, 2008
So today is my birthday. Cant say Im really happy about it, which Ive made explicit to all my friends and family. I don't understand the purpose of celebrating the day, but Ive said that so many times my head is starting to spin.
Why did Mom have to die? Im still confused about this. I wish this hadnt happened, especially so close to my birthday. People are going to be asking questions, seeing how things are going and all sorts of crap I just cant handle.
I just want today to be over. I have a surprise party tonight, which I have no intention of going to. Is that bad? How can it be wrong to go to a surprise party when I don't want to be there or even celebrate the day in itself?
Oh well...My only hope is to make it through today. Im sure I have other things to hope for, but that's the main one right now. I wanted to lay my head down and sleep until tomorrow morning. I wanted to wake up and see my world back in one piece.
I stopped typing and rubbed my eyes. I'd been having some terrible writer's block lately and couldn't overcome it. I just couldn't get any kind of writing to come out, whether good or bad. To me, words were things that knew I was coming and did what they could to avoid me. It was getting to be annoying. No, beyond annoying. Frustrating, confusing and just plain exhausting. Maybe I'm just complaining for nothing, or maybe I am having trouble, but couldn't begin to understand why no matter how much I wanted to know.
I looked at what I'd written and debated about going back over it and correcting my little mistakes. Small things like missed contractions, but I was too tired and decided it just wasn't worth it. I looked at the clock. 5am. I didn't wanna be awake right now. I didn't want to be awake, period. But hey, life goes on. That was a song, but couldn't think of what it was. Like I said, I was tired. I looked at my wrists.
They hurt. I gently massaged them. The pain from the cutting was greater than I'd expected, but the comfort it brought me was so...wonderful. I felt as if a great load had been lifted from me, only to have a new one take its place. What that new load was I didn't know, nor did I want to. It didn't seem important to me.
That being said, today was my birthday. I did, in fact, have a surprise birthday party that I learned from a text message accidentally sent to me and all my friends.
guys dont forget about the party for rob this will be alotta fun I can tell cya later.
Personally, I found it rather amusing. I knew it would have to be either before my birthday or on it. Not later, definitely not later. They knew I would smell something fishy after my birthday and not go anywhere, which is actually what I kinda had in mind. Since that wasn't going to happen, I decided to just avoid the party altogether. I knew this was going to hurt a lot of people, more than I wanted to hurt, but I also didn't wanna see them. I was in too bad a shape to celebrate anything. It could be Christmas and I wouldn't care. But none of that really mattered anymore. Everything affected me, whether I noticed or not. Everything did...
The clock now said 5:09. I'd spent nine minutes letting my thoughts wander, so I got up. My wrists hurt too much to take a hot shower like I'd been doing. My skin was sure grateful for that. I grabbed some clothes and walked in the bathroom. I was trying to be quiet. Dad didn't have to be up until much later, so I didn't wanna wake him.
The face in the mirror scared me. The person there was hideous, destroyed by some selfish mourning that was destined to end him, for better or for worse. He had black circles under his eyes. Not dark circles, but black ones, as if someone had punched him then laid him flat out with a right and left hook. He was pale, much paler than I'd ever thought he could be. I needed to do something about this, though I wasn't really sure what. What can you do about the cold image you find in your soul; when you've become the very person you hate and desp
ise. When your heart is gone.
My back was still raw, though it seemed to be healing. The skin looked nasty, as if I had some sort of fungus growing just beneath the skin. It was in splotches too. A large one down most of my back, then forming little islands at the bottom before ending. Shirtless, I stared at all that is depressing and dangerous. Depressing because it felt like my body was shutting down on me, trying its hardest to keep me from doing anything else. Dangerous because it knew I wanted to do more and seemed to be encouraging me to do so. I shook it off as best I could and rinsed my face with some water. That didn't help physically, but somehow I felt better inside.
I put my contacts in and selected a towel from the stack behind me. Laundry was one thing that wasn't hard to fix. Mom did laundry, but it was also a family project for us. If one person wasn't able to do it, someone else took the job. It'd bothered me several times when I first did the laundry. Every now and then I'd find clothes that'd belonged to Mom. I would usually just throw them away and hope Dad didn't see them. I don't know why it bothered me that he would see them, but it still had me worried. Maybe he would suspect something and snoop around in places he shouldn't. He could think I was hiding something because I was just throwing her clothes away without telling him, then confront me and see the scars. Then everything would be downhill from there.
I got in the shower and waited until the water was cool enough. I wanted the cold water today. I was already in pain just from the knowledge that it was my birthday. The water streamed down my body, causing me to shiver and panic slightly. I was facing the shower head, bracing myself against the wall. I lowered my head and let the water go down my back. Some of it would lose its way and go down my chest, feeling it against my ears and neck, but the rest worked its way down my back. My skin began to tingle ever so slightly. I was trying to be careful, doing my best to not make things worse than they already were.
That was exactly what I was trying so hard to do in my life, failing miserably. I was trying to make things better, doing it in ways that I felt would get the job done. I tried to take the pain away. I tried to make the memories as distant as possible. I tried to move on, just like the song said to. Move along. Instead, I found myself doing more searching than I wanted. It was hard to admit to anyone, let alone to myself.
I carefully cleaned myself and turned the water off. I just stood there, feeling the water against me. It was soothing and painful at the same time. My thoughts were scattered and troubled. I took a deep breath and reached for my towel. I had to be extra careful around the cuts. I'd managed to tone it down to cutting just once a week instead of everyday as I'd done with the showers. The showers were more painful and gave me more relief, but the cutting somehow felt less dangerous.
I got out of the shower and went through my morning routine just as I'd always done. I finished and walked into my room. It was still dark outside with the sun just barely poking its head over the horizon. There are a lot of trees between me and the sky. My room has two windows. One faces the back of our property that was half cleaned out. The other faces east and, when I'm awake enough, I can see the sunrise. I just stared at the creeping sun, praying today would be much easier than all the others. I didn't expect it to be.
------
Some things in life take a long time to recover from. Death, as I was learning, was one of them. I had walked down the stairs and found no presents on the table. Presents were something Mom loved to do and have fun with.
For many years, more than I'll ever remember, my mother always left some sort of note on the table on the day of my birthday, giving some random clue as to what I was getting. Today, that wasn't there. There was nothing to even hint I had been born nineteen years ago, which was exactly how I wanted it. Nothing. I didn't cry, didn't frown, didn't do anything. I just stared for a moment. I know it sounds cruel or ungrateful, but that's just how I wanted things.
I took a deep breath and left. I had my school stuff, laptop, phone and iPod. I walked to my truck. The air was just starting to warm up.
Alabama weather is much different than it is in other places. A friend of mine in New England sends me lots of pictures of snow during the holidays. I return the favor by sending her pictures of rain and people in t-shirts. The Christmas before, I met up with some friends and two were in shorts. While the air does turn cold in November, the winters don't really hit us until January or February and then it's mostly ice. Then spring doesn't really hit until mid- April, and it only lasted a few weeks before summer kicked in. Summer takes up a large portion of the year. Fall comes back for barely a week in November, and the cycle repeats.
I got into my truck and turned it on. It took a few tries, but that's the way it goes starting it cold. When it turned over, I gave the engine a moment or two to wake up. I plugged my iPod in and hit “random.” I just needed music this morning, not really concerned with what was playing. Live What I Believe by Russ Lee came on, and I immediately hit “next.” I love Christian music as much as the next believer, but there are days in which you just can't handle something like that. I do live what I believe, as hard as I can. People look at me and know what I stand for. Celebrate Me Home, Kenny Loggins. It's a Christmas song, granted, but I needed something different. I rubbed my wrists and found myself confused.
I live a life that reflected who I was and what I stood for...didn't I? I was sitting there just rubbing my wrist and trying not to open up the scabs. My mind was all over the place and I just needed to get away. I pulled out of the driveway and went about my usual routine.
Life had become all but hopeless in my eyes. I was going from one things to the next, praying I would find some reasoning. I wanted to open up, but couldn't find the strength to do so. I could think of all the times Mom and I had fought. All the times we'd made up. All the times-
Life is just so unfair. She shouldn't have died, it should have been me. Why did this happen? No! No, it was all her fault. She's dead because she was fighting with you.
I shook my head free of these thoughts and tried to concentrate on driving. Kryptonite, Three Doors Down. I could see the gas station from where I was, with Hardee's being across the street. I used a lot of money doing this, but then again it was something I enjoyed. It got me outta the house long enough to think. That's usually what I do when I drive: think. That's a dangerous pastime, I know, but sometimes you gotta suck it up and do it. I smiled to myself. This was something Dad and I used to do when he drove me everywhere. I parked and went through the usual routine of getting gas. The prices were jumping rather high, just under $3. It was outrageous, but necessary when surviving in life. I've noticed that's how a lot of things are. You hate them and hate doing them, but they are necessary to keep going in life.
The gas stopped and I put it back in the pump. I got my receipt and started thinking about what I wanted to get to eat. I cranked and cranked until the truck turned over and pulled out. Unwell, Matchbox Twenty.
------
School was a joke, why couldn't anyone understand that. I sat in English praying this evil woman would just shut up and let us leave. This was the fem-Nazi I managed to miss the day at the park. Whether it was really worth it, I can't say for certain. I doubt things would be exactly the same, but that doesn't matter. Things are the way they are.
“Mr. Thompson?” I looked up at her unwillingly. She had short hair, an over-makeuped face and an attitude that just made you wanna slap that fake polite smile off her face. She was determined to flunk us, I was sure of it. I returned her fake smile with one of my own.
“Yes, Mrs. Matthews?”
“Dr. Matthews, if you don't mind.”
“Don't mind at all.” I could see the teeth start to tense up. It looked like she was about to bite me, which was a little disturbing.
“Did you hear what I said?”
“Which one? 'Mr. Thompson' or 'Dr. Matthews'?” There was a light chuckle in the class, though no one really wanted to laugh. I'm sure I was going to be a hit after class.
>
“Do you think that's funny?”
“Well, you're not laughing so I guess not.” “But since you rarely laugh at all it doesn't really matter, does it?” The room went dead quiet.
“See me after class.” I haven't a clue what she'd ask me, but I wasn't in the mood to deal with her. She was nothing but an attitude that wore high heels. Class went on as usual. Small and futile debates about different topics. Stupid corrections on sentence structure and grading of each other’s papers.
Class came to an end and I made my way to the front of the class. I looked at my cellphone to see what time it was. She was waiting to answer any questions there might be or any counseling the girls might need.
“Dr. Matthews, I have class in fifteen minutes.”
“Well you held up my class so I think it's only fair, don't you?”
“Absolutely. And I'll be happy to leave while you stay and hold me up.”
“Mr. Thompson, I don't know what your problem is or has been but I don't like it. You need to straighten up and act your age. There's no excuse.”
“Well, how about I go kill your mother and see how you feel,” I said. I stood there for a moment, then walked away. She was saying something behind me, but I don't know what she said. I was mad. People were watching me as I left the classroom, specifically those who were going in for the next class.
Philosophy was my next class, which was actually an hour later, but I just wanted out of the room. It was close to lunch but I'd had a rather large breakfast. I wandered over to the University Center to wait out the time.
No one was there, which was unusual. Most of my friends hang out here. We all had our first class at the same time, then met up afterwards to eat, talk, gossip, sing or whatever we decided to do. Sometimes it came down to just watching some awesome movie on TV, which was usually on Cartoon Network, Game Show Network, or Turner Classic Movies. Movies are where it's at. Today, though, was different. I assumed it had something to do with my birthday, with people off planning to take advantage of in some depressing yet unique way. I was going to avoid it, though. I had done some planning myself. As I sat down, Mrs. Madison showed up.